When I mean lately, I don't mean that song by Tyrese which is really good but not what I'm going for. So lately I've been thinking about the friendships I've forgered over the years and some I've let go and some I honestly can say I don't care about anymore and some that still hurt. But mostly if you think its directed at you...you could right OR you could be wrong.
Let me 1st start off saying that I want my girls to be happy and whatever toll that takes on our friendship...so be it BUT, I always love the fact that I'm on the 1st ppl to be called/txted/social networked when something in the relationship goes wrong. Well I understand in the beginning you want to spend ALL your free time with your new man...ok cool fine, I get that. I've been there before...actually no I lied. I always tried my hardest to put my friends 1st but anyone I digrace. Let's say for the past 3-4 months things are going swimmingly..life is good which means work and school is going good too and if you have a bad day, you get to talk to you hunny, baby, sweetie...whatever nick name you have for them at the end of the day or go see them (optional.) And I'm cool with that whatever. But when things go wrong..why me? Why am I the 1st to be contacted...we were friends b4 this new person came into your life and I'll be there after they leave for the 6th, 7th or 100th time. I'm not passing and judgement. But how about a call/txt/socail network when things are going well...oh thats right you're with them. Ok fine cool...but how long can you expect for someone who you've known for the past EVER to be cool with it ALL the sudden. Your Saturday nights were spent out to dinner, drinks, downtown with me and a whole bunch of other ppl I didn't care for but I put up with it b/c you and I are friends. And I enjoy myself b/c I'm a ppl person and living where I do...its not too much longer before I see someone I know and fake like. Yeah I know I don't like many people, thats b/c 1. I have a low tolerance for BS and 2. some people NEVER...NEVER grow up. But anyway...I'm there through thick and thin and I guess that's what friendship is all about BUT taking advantage of someone JUST b/c you KNOW they're NEVER, EVER going to turn their back on you is a WHOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLEEEE other thing. I love ALL my friends but sometimes people break good, long lasting friendships for some guy that could be there for a month or a week. Even though this "real world" so was high school and college...relationships are good but sometimes when you put things to a test friendships either become stronger or don't want to deal with.
I've had a few friendships in my life I've let go and that have gone to the category of it still hurts or I just don't care anymore. I've let friendships go b/c I don't want to "fight" for your attention...yeah some days it still hurts and other days I just don't care anymore. I'm not saying that to be mean but I'm saying that b/c its the truth. Just b/c someone is "friends" with you on facebook doesn't mean you ACTUALLY know them anymore. But its always fun to see what they are up to and how things are going. Sometimes I check up on people just see if their lives are crappier than mine and just so see how close they are to living the way we've always talked about. I've had to let friendships go b/c sometimes it wasn't that strong in the first place and thats perfectly OK.
But the good, bad or the ugly in ANY friendship is that there was a bond formed that wether it be good, bad or ugly was still a good bond at ONE point in time. I love all my friends dearly and they know that and if they don't then well they know NOW.
Sometimes you gotta let the old out with the new...and new friendships are ALWAYS fun and sometimes not so much but either way its a bond...you tag each other in photos, in wall posts, etc and create inside jokes b/c maybe for a while it'll let the pain of that old long friendship take the place of something new BUT in the mean time you just try to move forward. I guess that's what life is all about is just moving forward and letting the old and new either come together or split apart. No one plans on losing friendships but sometimes the longer you go without talking to someone the easier it gets....so they say but the truth is pain is pain and no amount of time makes it better. So you learn to maintain a new "normal."
That's all :)
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Learning to Maintain
Most day I've thought about doing a blog for enjoyment of others and myself but this one is mostly for others.
Learning to maintain in times of death, destruction and disaster isn't an easy feat...we say what we have to, to get through the day, we act like everything is normal when we're crying on the inside but those tears and never strong enough to surface. No one can see you hurt, pain and agony that you've been through..those closest to you may not even realize a great tragedy has happened. Often times you maintain when you don't want to feel and absolutely nothing bad has happened but maybe a bad argument. But a kind word or funny word. Sometimes you just need to maintain because the stresses of life are all coming to head and you feel like the world is caving in you. But you remember the words of a mentor that welcomed you with open arms and never gave up on you no matter how much you wanted to give up on yourself. You remember those words and know that everything will get better because the only way down is UP! And you can only go up, once you've hit your rock bottom. You can only go up once you learn to maintain, you can only go up after death, destruction and disaster.
You've learned to maintain through broken hearts, missed opportunities and other love variables. You've learned to maintain after a horrible one night stand and laugh about it the next day when you're sober enough to remember. You've learned to maintain after losing your first love.
When you feel like there is NO ONE absolutely at all for you and the 1 person you thought would care and understand didn't answer their phone or reply to your text.
Technology is a Catch-22...it helps us connect with each other but it also gives us a false sense that we actually know the people we call "friends" and "followers." In another way it makes us very unpersonable like we don't know how to be true friends. Bad news travels a lot faster than good news....and in our world of facebook, twitter, foursquare and whatever else is out there news travels that much faster. As my dad says "in the good ol' days..." people would call with bad news and good news...now bad news is sent via text, tweet, or facebook chat. No its not a bad thing because I don't want anyone to hear my tears but somethings I don't mind exiting my meeting, my office in order to take a phone call...I already know its bad news but I guess reading just makes it real b/c once its written its out there FOREVER!!
So in order to maintain we pray to God, Jehovah, Allah, Jesus and whomever else for strength and whomever is the hearer of prayers and it may help for a little while for weeks you still grieve so you find a different way to maintain. And then you realize that you've become someone else shoulder to cry on. You've realized that someones tragedy is your greatest strength. You've learned how to maintain for someone else because no one was there for you in your time of need.
In order to close the chapter on losses of lives, loves and life in general we play songs that may lift our spirits for 3-4min, and go to sleep knowing that person is in a better place. But on days of sunshine and rain we still think about them and realize..why did I have to go through this-this pain, this agony which seems like its never going to end? They're no longer suffering so why do i? Why should I? And years of therapy, friends and other peoples stories tell you, you don't have to be in this pain FOREVER! At this you realize that you don't have to be in pain or suffer so you learn a whole different way of maintaining.
In all of us we all maintain some sort of facade of strength, piousness, fortitude and boldness but know that there was a time we needed a shoulder to cry on and that person wasn't there. You realize that you find other ways to turn pain into pleasure-art, work, family, or whatever awesomeness that's inside you that's what you do.
But just know I'm no more than a text, tweet or facebook message away from being that shoulder.
Sometimes being strong for everyone else leaves little room for someone to be strong for you but you learn to pour your heart, mind and soul into other things that you love and that becomes your shoulder so you can maintain for others.
Learning to maintain in times of death, destruction and disaster isn't an easy feat...we say what we have to, to get through the day, we act like everything is normal when we're crying on the inside but those tears and never strong enough to surface. No one can see you hurt, pain and agony that you've been through..those closest to you may not even realize a great tragedy has happened. Often times you maintain when you don't want to feel and absolutely nothing bad has happened but maybe a bad argument. But a kind word or funny word. Sometimes you just need to maintain because the stresses of life are all coming to head and you feel like the world is caving in you. But you remember the words of a mentor that welcomed you with open arms and never gave up on you no matter how much you wanted to give up on yourself. You remember those words and know that everything will get better because the only way down is UP! And you can only go up, once you've hit your rock bottom. You can only go up once you learn to maintain, you can only go up after death, destruction and disaster.
You've learned to maintain through broken hearts, missed opportunities and other love variables. You've learned to maintain after a horrible one night stand and laugh about it the next day when you're sober enough to remember. You've learned to maintain after losing your first love.
When you feel like there is NO ONE absolutely at all for you and the 1 person you thought would care and understand didn't answer their phone or reply to your text.
Technology is a Catch-22...it helps us connect with each other but it also gives us a false sense that we actually know the people we call "friends" and "followers." In another way it makes us very unpersonable like we don't know how to be true friends. Bad news travels a lot faster than good news....and in our world of facebook, twitter, foursquare and whatever else is out there news travels that much faster. As my dad says "in the good ol' days..." people would call with bad news and good news...now bad news is sent via text, tweet, or facebook chat. No its not a bad thing because I don't want anyone to hear my tears but somethings I don't mind exiting my meeting, my office in order to take a phone call...I already know its bad news but I guess reading just makes it real b/c once its written its out there FOREVER!!
So in order to maintain we pray to God, Jehovah, Allah, Jesus and whomever else for strength and whomever is the hearer of prayers and it may help for a little while for weeks you still grieve so you find a different way to maintain. And then you realize that you've become someone else shoulder to cry on. You've realized that someones tragedy is your greatest strength. You've learned how to maintain for someone else because no one was there for you in your time of need.
In order to close the chapter on losses of lives, loves and life in general we play songs that may lift our spirits for 3-4min, and go to sleep knowing that person is in a better place. But on days of sunshine and rain we still think about them and realize..why did I have to go through this-this pain, this agony which seems like its never going to end? They're no longer suffering so why do i? Why should I? And years of therapy, friends and other peoples stories tell you, you don't have to be in this pain FOREVER! At this you realize that you don't have to be in pain or suffer so you learn a whole different way of maintaining.
In all of us we all maintain some sort of facade of strength, piousness, fortitude and boldness but know that there was a time we needed a shoulder to cry on and that person wasn't there. You realize that you find other ways to turn pain into pleasure-art, work, family, or whatever awesomeness that's inside you that's what you do.
But just know I'm no more than a text, tweet or facebook message away from being that shoulder.
Sometimes being strong for everyone else leaves little room for someone to be strong for you but you learn to pour your heart, mind and soul into other things that you love and that becomes your shoulder so you can maintain for others.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Light Hearted
I try to find a balance between the funny and the serious things in life. Its really simple and easy. The same things that make me laugh can't be serious. Sometimes it makes me laugh about how people take facebook and twitter really seriously.
Most people think I'm nuts b/c I like to do my nails ALOT and sometimes it bothers me b/c it smells really bad but the outcome is really pretty, so I don't mind that much.
I love making jokes but most of the time it sounds better in my head then it does outloud.
Going out and having a good time-telling jokes, laughing till my stomach hurts...thats what I thrive on and that's what I love. Sometimes jokes stay b/c they're funny or an inside joke that will always make the group laugh and think about the tme of what was going on.
Most of my free time is spent watching on demand catching up on my past shows and watching Comedy Central. Volunteering a lot of hours in a Cancer Resource Center people wanna talk about how they go to be diagonsed with whatever cancer they have. where they are in the process and how good it will be when its all over. They have a triumphant outlook on everything and how their lives have changed. But hearing their stories does make me sad but they do bring laughter with their stories.
So after that I come home and need a good laugh! And sometimes texts from guys makes me laugh and makes my day but not in the way they think.
This guy who I had no idea that still had my number texted me "Hey boo, what's up?" Ummm well there are a lot of things wrong b/c 1. I didn't know whothis was, 2. Boo...I'm no one's boo. SO I said, "who is this?" his smart reply was "Damn, you don't remember me baby? That's a shame." I replied "Well some ppl are easy to forget." He said "Thats a shame. Maybe we'll have to make it memorable." I replied "I dont even know your name and didn't know you had my number," he said "Oh you must talk to a lot of dudes." I replied "Nope, I just have the attention span of a 4yr old." He said "Well I'll hold your attention ;)" I replied "I doubt it and I still don't know who you are." He said "Well when we get together you'll remember." I'm thinking NO, No I won't b/c I still don't know your name and chances are I don't really care to know you. And left the conversation saying "Well I'm hoping you'll think about me and then we can get together." I said "No thnx, I'll pass." I hope I wasn't being mean but I'm hoping he won't text me again but I still don't remember his name or anything else.
Most people think I'm nuts b/c I like to do my nails ALOT and sometimes it bothers me b/c it smells really bad but the outcome is really pretty, so I don't mind that much.
I love making jokes but most of the time it sounds better in my head then it does outloud.
Going out and having a good time-telling jokes, laughing till my stomach hurts...thats what I thrive on and that's what I love. Sometimes jokes stay b/c they're funny or an inside joke that will always make the group laugh and think about the tme of what was going on.
Most of my free time is spent watching on demand catching up on my past shows and watching Comedy Central. Volunteering a lot of hours in a Cancer Resource Center people wanna talk about how they go to be diagonsed with whatever cancer they have. where they are in the process and how good it will be when its all over. They have a triumphant outlook on everything and how their lives have changed. But hearing their stories does make me sad but they do bring laughter with their stories.
So after that I come home and need a good laugh! And sometimes texts from guys makes me laugh and makes my day but not in the way they think.
This guy who I had no idea that still had my number texted me "Hey boo, what's up?" Ummm well there are a lot of things wrong b/c 1. I didn't know whothis was, 2. Boo...I'm no one's boo. SO I said, "who is this?" his smart reply was "Damn, you don't remember me baby? That's a shame." I replied "Well some ppl are easy to forget." He said "Thats a shame. Maybe we'll have to make it memorable." I replied "I dont even know your name and didn't know you had my number," he said "Oh you must talk to a lot of dudes." I replied "Nope, I just have the attention span of a 4yr old." He said "Well I'll hold your attention ;)" I replied "I doubt it and I still don't know who you are." He said "Well when we get together you'll remember." I'm thinking NO, No I won't b/c I still don't know your name and chances are I don't really care to know you. And left the conversation saying "Well I'm hoping you'll think about me and then we can get together." I said "No thnx, I'll pass." I hope I wasn't being mean but I'm hoping he won't text me again but I still don't remember his name or anything else.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Gray Zone
I've been thinking about the relationships I've been in...I don't believe in exes so I don't get too deeply involved. I'm a strong believer in things are black and white and there are no gray areas and even those can be black or white. I was talking to a good friend of mine today that said the highs in life are the white zones and the lows in life are the black zones and everything in between in gray. But why? Why does a gray exist? Can it be just be that we've created so much turmoil, loopholes and bs in our lives we need a gray area to jutify all the bs and mistakes? Maybe I'm being to harsh on the world and on other people but I like to think of myself as a free spirit and someone that listens and open up but not so easily. I've been in postions that things are this or that and there's no other way about it.
I was in a 3 yr high abusive relationship that turned into an abusive marriage. Now that's not gray at all...every time I was kicked, hit, or bleeding according to him-"it was my fault," and there was no one to tell me that it wasn't. There was no one to tell me other wise so I believed him but one day realized it wasn't my fault and he's just an abusive jerk that will keep on abusing women. Was there any gray are there? NO! But now he is truly an ex-husband and on to another woman to abuse. Being the kind person I am, I messenged her b/c he didn't want a divorce so I told her everything-ok well not everything but a brief overview. He then told me, she was angry and that their relationship was over and once again it was my fault. I didn't believe it was , according to him "she forgot he was married." Really? How could you forget the guy you're dating is married? LIE!! No gray areas.
I'm a very analytical person and believe things are the way they seem and nothing more. I take people at face value b/c ppl show who they are in a matter of seconds not years. I'm a very up front blunt kind of person and I care about how people feel but not to the point of not telling them what I think. So many people say "keep 100," "say it like it is," but when they hear it, they don't like it. Keeping it 100 means that telling the truth no matter the outcome. And if I do that I'm called everything under the sun so in reality you don't want me to keep it 100, you just want me to sugar coat things for you...nope sorry wrong person!
Another one of my friends had told me I treat men like business transactions and once I'm done with them, I "fire" them b/c I'm afraid of getting too close. I'm not afraid of getting "too close" but the reality of it is, is that if there is no need for them and you're getting on my nerves and play wayyy to many games then Monopoly then I'm over it. I have a child and the last thing I need is another child or someone acting like a child.
So in life, well in my life I don't believe in gray zones/areas...I believe in Keeping 100 and having things black and white and the rest in between is either a high or a low and there is no in between about it. But that's just me.
I was in a 3 yr high abusive relationship that turned into an abusive marriage. Now that's not gray at all...every time I was kicked, hit, or bleeding according to him-"it was my fault," and there was no one to tell me that it wasn't. There was no one to tell me other wise so I believed him but one day realized it wasn't my fault and he's just an abusive jerk that will keep on abusing women. Was there any gray are there? NO! But now he is truly an ex-husband and on to another woman to abuse. Being the kind person I am, I messenged her b/c he didn't want a divorce so I told her everything-ok well not everything but a brief overview. He then told me, she was angry and that their relationship was over and once again it was my fault. I didn't believe it was , according to him "she forgot he was married." Really? How could you forget the guy you're dating is married? LIE!! No gray areas.
I'm a very analytical person and believe things are the way they seem and nothing more. I take people at face value b/c ppl show who they are in a matter of seconds not years. I'm a very up front blunt kind of person and I care about how people feel but not to the point of not telling them what I think. So many people say "keep 100," "say it like it is," but when they hear it, they don't like it. Keeping it 100 means that telling the truth no matter the outcome. And if I do that I'm called everything under the sun so in reality you don't want me to keep it 100, you just want me to sugar coat things for you...nope sorry wrong person!
Another one of my friends had told me I treat men like business transactions and once I'm done with them, I "fire" them b/c I'm afraid of getting too close. I'm not afraid of getting "too close" but the reality of it is, is that if there is no need for them and you're getting on my nerves and play wayyy to many games then Monopoly then I'm over it. I have a child and the last thing I need is another child or someone acting like a child.
So in life, well in my life I don't believe in gray zones/areas...I believe in Keeping 100 and having things black and white and the rest in between is either a high or a low and there is no in between about it. But that's just me.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
1st Stop
I thought since this was my 1st entry to just introduce myself...My name is Kristin, I live in a medium size town in MD. I love to travel, write, ready, text and have fun. I like to think of myself as a free spirit, welcoming and warm harted. I get distracted easily. I call it single journey b/c I'm a single mom and well this is obviously my journey. The people I assoicated myself with are very near and dear to me but it always hasn't been easy. I'm 25 y/o and love my munchikin who's 4, Jocelynn Taylor Renee...she's the light of my life and the reason I do everything I do. Eventually I want to go to law school.
That's it for not but more to come.
That's it for not but more to come.
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